Safe Sex 201 or “No, Your Dick Does Not Live in a Magically Safe Universe, You Prick!”

1 Jul

An older man of forty-six sporting workout gear and a bald spot boldly walks into our store. No, this is not the beginning of a joke.

At ten paces right in front of me he stops, then spends a good sixty seconds trying to turn off his iPod. He is a vision of mid-life crisis.

He tells me he has never been inside our den of sex. I welcome him sweetly. He peruses for a time before coming up to the counter, setting down a 3-pack of moderately acceptable condoms and a small bottle of lube. This is our conversation:

Me: (Tapping the condom 3-pack) Have you tried those before?

Him: No, are they good?

Me: (Shrug) They’re popular.

Him: I just got out of an 8-year relationship. I’m dating a woman and tomorrow night I might need them.

Me: So it’s been blossoming? and tomorrow night things might “bloom”? (I sweep the air with both arms)

Him: Bloom. Yes.

Me: Well, I recommend you put one of those on in private before you go public.

Him: (Slightly alarmed) But there are only 3 in there. Should I get more?

Me: (Squinting slightly) I’ll tell ya what. I’ll give you a free extra one just so you can practice. Makes things less awkward.

(I pull a generic condom out of a silver tin and place it with his other items, then begin ringing up his sale)

Him: You know I’ve been lucky? My past partners never put this on me.

(I blink, thinking of all the implications of that sentence)

Me: Well, you can never be too careful.

Him: (Confidently) Oh I know.

Me: So you both have been tested?

Him: I sent HER to the doctor.

Me: (Cue unavoidable eyebrow furrow) and you haven’t?

Him: (Earnestly) I just got out of an 8-year relationship.

Me: So?

Him: So? I don’t need to.

Me: (Matter of fact-ly) Yes you do.

Him: No I don’t.

Me: (Smiling) Yes you do.

Him: (Firmly) No. I don’t.

Me: (Lightening up) Ok. Life happens. I mean, it does make everyone more comfortable in the bedroom. Some people even list their results on special websites so they can show their one-night-stands.

Him: You can’t be serious.

Me: Oh I am. I have a friend who does it. He’s very active. Just logs in and voila! It stops that little voice in the back of her mind that wonders if you have an STI. Makes the sex better.

Him: Well that is interesting.

Me: (As I hand him his change) Yeah. All I know is, if we were about to have sex and you said that… Your dick would not be going in my mouth. (I smile apologetically) That’s all I’m saying.

(He looks at me a moment before speaking.)

Him: Thank you. Yes thank you… for the advice. Have a nice day.

Me: (Warmly nods) Have a good one.

(He turns to leave and I watch him go.)

***

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2 Responses to “Safe Sex 201 or “No, Your Dick Does Not Live in a Magically Safe Universe, You Prick!””

  1. Katt February 4, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

    Can you provide more info about your friend an the website they use to show testing results? That’s super cool!

  2. Katt February 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

    I love that this exists: http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/05/19/std.protection.ep/index.html

    Safer sex like a porn star! In CNN!

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