Safe Sex 201 or “No, Your Dick Does Not Live in a Magically Safe Universe, You Prick!”

1 Jul

An older man of forty-six sporting workout gear and a bald spot boldly walks into our store. No, this is not the beginning of a joke.

At ten paces right in front of me he stops, then spends a good sixty seconds trying to turn off his iPod. He is a vision of mid-life crisis.

He tells me he has never been inside our den of sex. I welcome him sweetly. He peruses for a time before coming up to the counter, setting down a 3-pack of moderately acceptable condoms and a small bottle of lube. This is our conversation:

Me: (Tapping the condom 3-pack) Have you tried those before?

Him: No, are they good?

Me: (Shrug) They’re popular.

Him: I just got out of an 8-year relationship. I’m dating a woman and tomorrow night I might need them.

Me: So it’s been blossoming? and tomorrow night things might “bloom”? (I sweep the air with both arms)

Him: Bloom. Yes.

Me: Well, I recommend you put one of those on in private before you go public.

Him: (Slightly alarmed) But there are only 3 in there. Should I get more?

Me: (Squinting slightly) I’ll tell ya what. I’ll give you a free extra one just so you can practice. Makes things less awkward.

(I pull a generic condom out of a silver tin and place it with his other items, then begin ringing up his sale)

Him: You know I’ve been lucky? My past partners never put this on me.

(I blink, thinking of all the implications of that sentence)

Me: Well, you can never be too careful.

Him: (Confidently) Oh I know.

Me: So you both have been tested?

Him: I sent HER to the doctor.

Me: (Cue unavoidable eyebrow furrow) and you haven’t?

Him: (Earnestly) I just got out of an 8-year relationship.

Me: So?

Him: So? I don’t need to.

Me: (Matter of fact-ly) Yes you do.

Him: No I don’t.

Me: (Smiling) Yes you do.

Him: (Firmly) No. I don’t.

Me: (Lightening up) Ok. Life happens. I mean, it does make everyone more comfortable in the bedroom. Some people even list their results on special websites so they can show their one-night-stands.

Him: You can’t be serious.

Me: Oh I am. I have a friend who does it. He’s very active. Just logs in and voila! It stops that little voice in the back of her mind that wonders if you have an STI. Makes the sex better.

Him: Well that is interesting.

Me: (As I hand him his change) Yeah. All I know is, if we were about to have sex and you said that… Your dick would not be going in my mouth. (I smile apologetically) That’s all I’m saying.

(He looks at me a moment before speaking.)

Him: Thank you. Yes thank you… for the advice. Have a nice day.

Me: (Warmly nods) Have a good one.

(He turns to leave and I watch him go.)

***

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3 Responses to “Safe Sex 201 or “No, Your Dick Does Not Live in a Magically Safe Universe, You Prick!””

  1. Katt February 4, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

    Can you provide more info about your friend an the website they use to show testing results? That’s super cool!

  2. Katt February 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

    I love that this exists: http://www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/05/19/std.protection.ep/index.html

    Safer sex like a porn star! In CNN!

  3. Cat December 14, 2014 at 1:14 am #

    “Me: (As I hand him his change) Yeah. All I know is, if we were about to have sex and you said that… Your dick would not be going in my mouth. (I smile apologetically) That’s all I’m saying.”

    Shit. That part resonates with me the most.

    I’m 22. Real recently, I was super keen on a guy. We both wanted casual. He really wanted a bj (as you do), which I was happy to give despite my complete lack of experience in that department. Told him I was only gonna do it with protection, or sans condom if we were both the first people we’d uh licked after a screening.
    His reaction was basically: I really want head… None of my other partners have requested protection for oral… The sensation for my dick… The taste for your mouth… Not great.
    And he just kind of lay there, still expecting me to go down, for what felt like AGES. And I just, I felt like I had to fight my corner. And I was not expecting to have to fight my corner. And I was not calm and collected about it, either. I was super flustered. Felt super awkward about it. The memory causes cringe. (You may or may not be able to tell that I haven’t really talked to anyone about it yet. Yay for anonymous internet therapy). Really wanted to have a mutual pleasure scenario (obvs). Didn’t wanna feel anxious the next day after sucking a questionable dick (a couple of layers to that sentence).

    Anyway, my point is. I’m generally pretty secure. Not easily made to feel bad about not doing things I know I don’t want to do. But that night, I felt the pressure so bad. It was not a positive sexual experience. And yeah, the next day, I was glad that I’d stuck to my guns on this one. But what I’m slowly getting at is, your above sentence is just one of those nice little things I wasn’t expecting to see on the web tonight. It reinforced a decision that I made where there was a bit of self-doubt afterwards. About blowjobs. About my sexual health. About whether or not I was being high maintenance / pedantic. I know what I’m comfortable with – and I already know I made the right decision in the heat of the moment for myself and my peace of mind. But it’s nice to see a like-minded soul.

    I’ve just got a burst of reassurance that could only have been provided by that specific, random sentence. On a niche blog. Written by a complete stranger.

    Thanks.

Nerd out here & at the Sex Nerd Sandra facebook page!

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