Some folks say it’s weird
Or gay or dirty or hurts
Nope. It’s just butt stuff.
Some folks say it’s weird
Or gay or dirty or hurts
Nope. It’s just butt stuff.
I’ve been thinking about fingertips a lot lately. Specifically how we use them in our day and how that translates to our night. I tweeted yesterday, “Don’t touch like you text” and I received several responses musing about what that might mean.
It all started a few years ago as a baby sex educator when I was hired by a woman who wanted to give a great blow job. I had been teaching public classes for a while, so why not? From what she told me, her boyfriend’s lack of enthusiasm was getting to her and I was happy to figure things out.
Dildos in place on the table, I drilled her about her man’s preferences. Her mouth technique was in order. She seemed to be doing plenty of things right. What could it be?
Next, I Nancy Drew’d her Kung Fu grip, watching as she stroked the lubricated shaft, noticing a stuttering drag.
“Grip my forearm.”
“What?” she asked, startled.
“Grip my forearm. I want to feel how you are squeezing the shaft.”
Everything crystallized. The woman had been squeezing his erect member like she was popping bubble wrap with the pads of her fingers.
Once I worked with her to compress from her palm instead, everything fell into place. Mouth to hand, hand to other hand, her movements flowing together I was proud of her and my mind on fire. I thought this was only a female-pleasuring offense!
After investigating this observation over the years, I’ve found that folks tend to grip from the fingertip down. Everyday texting, typing and button-pushing activities do not prepare us for the nuanced needs of our nerve endings.
Recently, I decided it was time to find easy ways to turn these habits around, so I’ve been developing new exercises for better lovership. Just imagine all the ways we can use our hands for pleasure beyond our fingertips! It’s almost too much for my brain to take.
So that’s where I’m at and what’s on my mind.
Sometimes I have no idea what drives me to be the nerd that I am about humans and their bloody relationships. Originally, I thought I just wanted to help change the world. Then I noticed the alien inside me who struggles to understand the human race. Always, there has been a little scientist inside there, too, trying to figure myself out.
I’ve realized underneath all that it’s pretty simple. I am more fascinated by our similarities than by our differences. Each of us is a wonderfully unique little snowflake, and if you come together and share something, you get to see the snow.
Thank you for all your love, enthusiasm and support through this first 100. Sex Nerds are awesome. Go Team Fun!
The 100th episode of Sex Nerd Sandra was recorded live as a Bawdy Storytelling show (click to listen!). Thank you to Ted, Jaiya Ma, Ned Mayhem, Reid Mihalko, Sara Benincasa, musical guest Windows to Sky and the Mistress of Bawdy Stories, Dixie De La Tour!
wow. Wow. WOW! 100 episodes! It’s time to celebrate! Do you like laughing really hard? Good, because that’s what we’ll be doing June 27th at my 100th Episode live with Dixie de la Tour’s Bawdy storytelling!
Things to know:
It’s been an interesting few months. It’s the first time I’ve slowed down enough to calmly take solid inventory of my life, my work and my direction. Since Dave Ross, my former co-host, left the show in March, I’ve experienced a marvelous uptick in how many people hate me, my work and my show. It nearly matches how many hate emails I received over bringing on a co-host in the first place.
I’ve learned something deep in my butterfly place from this and it has toughened me. Forever and ever I will know that I cannot please everyone. And when I evolve, as we humans tend to do within our lifetime, some people’s expectations about what I provide them as a humongous sex nerd will not be met. Apologies ahead of time.
To my delight, I received a miserable email yesterday from a listener named “J R.” Take a gander:
“Hey, I’m a straight male who recently heard about your podcast and was excited to try it out. Sadly, it was incredibly useless. Like almost every other supposed ‘sex-positive’ resource, it has nothing to help me express and enjoy my sexuality.Not only that, but you were stunningly oblivious to the double standards you were stating: I seriously doubt you would have spent the same amount of time discussing the merits of various fake vaginas, advocating for public male masturbation during the daily commute, and having an extended conversation attempting to help men get laid off of Craigslist.As usual, you’re a sex-positive feminist who is vastly interested in all types of sexuality except those of the average het cis male. Your guest in the first episode complained about the lack of male attendance at the cunnilingus classes – perhaps if you and her could take a fraction of the time you spend discussing vibrators and apply it to figuring out male sexuality, you’d know why they aren’t coming and how to get them to attend.”
I find this email hilarious, though I am not laughing. For all the mental effort I’ve put into using inclusive language and varying podcast topics, this gentleman presents proof of my shortcomings by citing my very first episode. The episode I was terrified of. The one where I was naive enough to record it in front of a live audience. HILARIOUS.
This email brings to light how much time I’ve spent on cis-hetero-male sexuality. Episodes like “Prostate Play: Take it Like a Man,” “The Penis Power Hour,” “The Man Box” aside, I acknowledge male bodies and pleasure almost every episode, possibly to the detriment to other orientations and genders! I even shot a video celebrating the Tenga Masturbation Sleeve at a time when I was unbearably shy about shooting videos at all.
So, this letter is welcome. It let me take a moment to survey my work this last while and feel like, yeah, I may beat myself up at times for not being perfect or the best or the most anything other than me, but damn it, I’ve been true to us. All of us. I try. And I keep trying.
Thanks J R and thanks to everyone who has supported me along the way.
Here’s your portal to sex nerd events for the coming month!
FEB 1ST: @NerdMeltLA in West Hollywood
NEW YORK CITY
SAN FRANCISCO – Good Vibes 6:30-8:30 each night
Scrolling through my cell phone pictures this evening, I saw a year that was possibly the most wonderful and most difficult I’ve ever had. Every once in a while I get a comment on something I’ve posted saying “Your life is so much more fun than mine!” Humored, I want to yell back, “Don’t compare your raw footage to my highlight reel!”
With all the drama life can bring, there are also ENDLESS opportunities for friendship, adventure and sexy fun. So with all social network-y smoke & mirrors aside, here is a raw, honest retrospective of my year:
Wow, sex really is part of a healthy, balanced life diet. Cheers to a frackin’ fantastic 2013!!!
When things first get sexy, mental chatter can drown out our partner’s heavy breathing. Sometimes, we’re not even aware of how our inner monologues effect our pleasuring behavior. I think you’re swell, dandy and darn good looking. Because I like you so much, I want you to have the best there is in the bedroom. Here are three common mediocre mantras that will not help our mission:
MANTRA #1: “I’m Going to Make You Cum”
VARIATION: “I’m really good at fellatio/cunnilingus/[insert sex act here]“
Orgasm is not the goal. That would be pleasure. Orgasm is what happens when you’re busy having fun. A demanding sexual ego = Not Fun. Send that buzz kill of an expectation packing and enjoy everyone’s genitals unclenching.
MANTRA #2: “Am I doing this right!?”
VARIATION: “Oh please like this. Please, oh please?”
Where the first mantra is the pinnacle of egoism, this one is the height of insecurity. In the land of pleasure, there is no “right,” nor are there “should’s” or “must’s.” It is a land of wonderful possibility and infinite opportunity. Listen for ragged breathing, look for flushed skin and feel for tensing muscles. If their bodily arousal isn’t apparent, keep playing with sexual variables.
MANTRA #3: “This is How All My Other Partners Liked it”
VARIATION: “Why aren’t you working right!?”
Stop. Right. Now. Put down your habits. Do it quickly. Every new fun-time partner means expanding your hands-on skill set. FANTABULOUS! Just remember, with each new terrain comes new curves in the road. The first few times, you might wanna slow down around the bend.
And so, dear friend, if you hear any of the above rattling around, tell it to go “shush” itself and enjoy the panting. Go Team Fun!
I’m about to go on a date tonight. We only briefly met and I know nothing about him. This is not my usual. All I know is he is a nice person with one small online footprint (read: no online stalking available).
Just now in the kitchen I was experiencing the feelings of “Oh my god, what if it’s horrible? What if we hit it off? What if it gets weird!?” I have this feeling in my gut that a date is a very important thing. It is a gateway to so much. You never know what’s going to happen. And that, perhaps, is my problem. Continue reading
Friends, I implore you. The time has come to cast your vote. Right now. Seriously, it’s really easy. Be a patriot.
Click HERE to go to PodCastAwards.com and click “Sex Nerd Sandra” under MATURE podcasts. You just enter name & email and you’re done!
If you really love Dave & Me, you’ll vote every day till Nov 15th (hint, hint, guilt, guilt). Plus, you can vote for other Nerdist faves “The Indoor Kids” and “Mike & Tom Eat Snacks.” Also, “The Young Turks” is on there and by golly, I did so enjoy being on their show, “The Point.”
The Dan Savage podcast is such a popular pick. He does wonderful, meaningful work for world change and all, but pshaw, that makes our show the underdog. VOTE FOR THE UNDERDOG!!! Woof woof!
I haven’t won an award since I was a little thing in AYSO soccer and everyone got an award. Remedy this, nerdlings!