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Pre-Date Pondering

3 Nov

I’m about to go on a date tonight. We only briefly met and I know nothing about him. This is not my usual. All I know is he is a nice person with one small online footprint (read: no online stalking available).

Just now in the kitchen I was experiencing the feelings of “Oh my god, what if it’s horrible? What if we hit it off? What if it gets weird!?” I have this feeling in my gut that a date is a very important thing. It is a gateway to so much. You never know what’s going to happen. And that, perhaps, is my problem. Continue reading

This Ain’t No Sex in the City

22 Jan

I'm having a Bradshaw moment.

I don’t mean to get all Sarah Jessica Parker here, but as mentioned on my podcast I’m freshly exploring the single world. Never would I have imagined how DIFFERENT the single girl’s sex life can be from that of a close companionship. It’s a wholly separate skill set!

The juxtaposition is startling. Sex in a relationship was a safe arena for some friendly grappling. Now every encounter is a labyrinth of social forays, dodging insecurities and jousting witty dialogue. Then, past the sexts, the banter, the drinks and the flirt, there is still much to be navigated in the bedroom. Literally, sometimes. Try reaching for your safe sex protocol while keeping the fire burning while not burning oneself on flanking candlight all while wrestling that incessant mental monologue. That’s a lot, even for a pro.

With a career focused on sexual technique and behavior for some time now, this new “field research” is giving my internal sex map a cartographic extension.  In the vast landscape of the human condition, this is some righteous uneven ground.

Like a warrior in the fray of a messy battle, I find myself skillfully stumbling into both mistakes and triumph. At the end of every skirmish, I find a particular lesson relearned. It’s the rich jem of  knowing what I want AND what I don’t want and being able to give it voice. If one is like myself with a propensity for awkward moments, this skill triples in value.

Ideally, I rise from every hayride better for the experience. That’s as tall an order as this experience is humbling. And I am humbled. From where I stand, nothing is quite as sweet as doing exactly what is in accordance with one’s desire while also in accordance with one’s partner’s desire. Shakespeare & Socrates help sum it up best: in sex, like in life, know thyself & to thine own self be true, even when a bit bewildered.

Reverse-Engineering Yes/No/Maybe

29 Nov

Giving a talk on sex & communication at MindshareLA (great photo by Curious Josh)

So, as I said on last week’s episode of my podcast, I’m single now. And that means the possibility of jumping into bed or hottub with someone I might like a whole lot, but don’t know how to please them.

This leads to this Raar! Raar! Raar! feeling that, while fun, also is a little scary in that I can cross a lot of unknown boundaries with a person when I want to touch and squeeze and rub every bit of them.

At the same time, I don’t want to whip out a full length yes/no/maybe sheet and have a sex-talk date on our first date. So what can I do? What can we do, as respectful & peace loving people when our wild sides are revved up and ready for nibbles?

Well, what I realized is that I may not need to go through an entire list of sex activities, but I need to at least go through the sex activites that I REALLY want to do to the person. Or receive. The things that matter.

Now I don’t know about you, but whenever I do something new to someone I’m not that familiar with, I have this internal “Gee, I sure hope you like this. Okay, I did it. Crap, I can’t tell if you liked it.”

For instance, here’s a list of things one might want to do to that special someone on a first, second or third time encounter:

  • Ass grabbing
  • Neck biting
  • Neck licking
  • Nipple Sucking
  • Use condoms or barriers
  • Penetration
  • Hard Thrusting
  • Clit or Cockhead sucking
  • Cuddling
  • Moaning
  • Dirty Talking

So, I’m going on a little date tonight. Good things may happen. I’m gonna try and bust out a similar list and check-in with them real quick and get a Yes or No from the for each one as to what they’re open to. I know they’ll giggle, but that’s okay. I’ll see how it goes.

I know. Super nerdy. But I wanna just pounce with full consent, ya know?


It went SO WELL! I came over and we were chowing down on some pasta and I yelled out, “oh yeah!” and pulled out my list. I said,

“Okay, so, sometimes, I want to do things, aggressive, fun, grabby things, but I don’t because I don’t want to do something you’re not in the mood for. So is it cool if I go down a list of stuff I’m open to doing and you say yes or no to what you’re open to tonight?”

They laughed and said sure. They also got very curious and silly as they sneak a look at what I had jotted down. As I read the list, instead of just a “Yes” or “No” I got full descriptive sentences. For instance, I said “Dirty Talking” and they said,

“Hmm, yeah, that’s good. I just get stressed because I feel like I have to do it back and I’m not good at that.”

And what is this now? A full conversation about comfort levels and needs during sex! It was great! After I finished with my list, they said,

“That was fun. I liked that. I’d like to do that again, but with a longer list.” Thus, in the future, the invitation is open to have a longer, even MORE fun talk about sex. Sweet.

The trick is bringing it up in a fun, excited way, instead of making it a heavy conversation. And it should be a quick convo. No longer than 10 minutes.

So, I had a much more relaxed, sexy time because I knew where their head was at. If you try it out, let me know how it goes!


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