I'm having a Bradshaw moment.

I don’t mean to get all Sarah Jessica Parker here, but as mentioned on my podcast I’m freshly exploring the single world. Never would I have imagined how DIFFERENT the single girl’s sex life can be from that of a close companionship. It’s a wholly separate skill set!

The juxtaposition is startling. Sex in a relationship was a safe arena for some friendly grappling. Now every encounter is a labyrinth of social forays, dodging insecurities and jousting witty dialogue. Then, past the sexts, the banter, the drinks and the flirt, there is still much to be navigated in the bedroom. Literally, sometimes. Try reaching for your safe sex protocol while keeping the fire burning while not burning oneself on flanking candlight all while wrestling that incessant mental monologue. That’s a lot, even for a pro.

With a career focused on sexual technique and behavior for some time now, this new “field research” is giving my internal sex map a cartographic extension.  In the vast landscape of the human condition, this is some righteous uneven ground.

Like a warrior in the fray of a messy battle, I find myself skillfully stumbling into both mistakes and triumph. At the end of every skirmish, I find a particular lesson relearned. It’s the rich jem of  knowing what I want AND what I don’t want and being able to give it voice. If one is like myself with a propensity for awkward moments, this skill triples in value.

Ideally, I rise from every hayride better for the experience. That’s as tall an order as this experience is humbling. And I am humbled. From where I stand, nothing is quite as sweet as doing exactly what is in accordance with one’s desire while also in accordance with one’s partner’s desire. Shakespeare & Socrates help sum it up best: in sex, like in life, know thyself & to thine own self be true, even when a bit bewildered.

Do I think I’m gonna need all that? No. Of course not. But wouldn’t it be great if I did? Have a good time and play safe. xoxo!

(via Miss Andree’s Blog)

Use these 7 deconstructed elements to play with pleasure. Any technique can be broken into these elements and then adjusted like separate nobs on a sound mixer. Sex is a creative process. Jam out.

• Anatomy
• Angles
• Arousal
• Moisture
• Movement
• Pressure
• Speed

Now anagram that action: AAAMMPS! Bam.

I have a lot to say about how this came to be and how it can be used by anyone as a toolkit to rock the night away. This is my thought baby. I birthed it and now I am developing it to do some good in the world. I figured since I shared it with those good folks last night, I should at least share it with you, too

Happy New Year!

We got personalized cookies after the show!

But first, a big thanks to my guest, Sexuality & Life Coach Alicia Cybulski for being so giving of her time and coming on our show recorded in front of a live audience at NerdMeltLA to talk lady hotness (for anyone who likes to feel like a lady).

So, first, my video on how to take your walk across the room and step it up a notch on the sexy scale. I feel a little like a douche making a vid like this, but I know a sexy walk is an important element so I went with it.

Second, check out Rihanna’s “Umbrella” Video. Specifically, minute 1:20 – 1:40 when she has several close-ups with the camera. She is doing quite subtle eye movements at the camera and looking away. She is controlled, but precise.

Now practice with a friend. Try a bunch of eye contact across-the-room looks and have them call out “awkward!” “hot!” “try it again, a little less dramatic!” until you have a better idea of what you’re working with.  You’ll hone in on your own sexy soon enough.

Before the last vid, if you enjoy the show, please give me the holiday gift of a happy comment on iTunes. Every comment helps in keeping it visible for other people to find.

Okay! Finally, I give you a hilarious link to an SNL vid on how to flirt, via my friend Lynn Struiksma. Take a gander.

Saturday Night Live – Weekend Update: Rebecca Larue – Video – http://www.nbc.com.

I appreciate you. I hope you have a wonderful rest of the holidays!

~Sex Nerd Sandra

***

Addendum to the Addendum: I forgot to post THIS vid of Matthew Hussey! I mention it on the show as my source material for how to tell if a guy likes you so you know it’s safe to start touching yourself

Minty strips make your mouth a winter wonderland.

1) Listerine Pocketpacks: Yes, those little strips that dissolve into a potent tingly sensation coating your mouth and tongue. Sneak under the covers and give your bed bud one spicy wake up Christmas morning.

Join the mile high club... in bed

2) Eye Mask & Ear Plugs: Have you ever tried playing around between the sheets without sight or sound? Uh, it’s awesome! Shutting down one sense drives the awareness of your other senses to compensate. Deprive yourself of 2 senses? Wow. It’s the perfect time to pull out the mint strips!

Uh-oh! Someone didn't to their homework over winter break!

3) A Simple Wooden Ruler: Roleplay anyone? At first I was over in the kitchen aisle smacking my thigh with spatulas, but I just couldn’t find the one with the right snap. Then I changed course and skipped over to the school supply zone and found this little utilitarian delight. It may be made out of bark, but it’s got quite a bite.

Great stuffing, honey, but now it's time for dessert. And more stuffing.

4) Pillsbury Easy Frost (or similar): I trust you’ll get the idea from the above photograph. Just watch out on female bits. That sugar can be quite irritating down under, so keep it to the endless other erogenous zones on her body. Add strawberries and you’ve got yourself a good time, my friend.

The answer to the age old question: More lube?

5) Travel size spray bottle: If you find yourself reaching repeatedly for your water-based lube and end up all sticky, this little guy is for you. One spritz of water will rehydrate your lube. Just keep this tiny bottle bedside with your other sexy supplies. Spend $1 and make life better.

Run up your water bill. I dare you.

6) EcoFlow Detachable Shower Head: Okay, this last one is more than a stocking stuffer, but when I saw this I immediately lusted for this. Of course, I was also racing through the store on a sex-fueled shopping fest. Wrap this  up along with some tingly mint shower gel. Get clean. Get dirty.

***

Okay, well, good luck to you this week! And remember, naughty is everywhere you choose to look for it. Tits the season!

XOXO

~Sex Nerd Sandra

Giving a talk on sex & communication at MindshareLA (great photo by Curious Josh)

So, as I said on last week’s episode of my podcast, I’m single now. And that means the possibility of jumping into bed or hottub with someone I might like a whole lot, but don’t know how to please them.

This leads to this Raar! Raar! Raar! feeling that, while fun, also is a little scary in that I can cross a lot of unknown boundaries with a person when I want to touch and squeeze and rub every bit of them.

At the same time, I don’t want to whip out a full length yes/no/maybe sheet and have a sex-talk date on our first date. So what can I do? What can we do, as respectful & peace loving people when our wild sides are revved up and ready for nibbles?

Well, what I realized is that I may not need to go through an entire list of sex activities, but I need to at least go through the sex activites that I REALLY want to do to the person. Or receive. The things that matter.

Now I don’t know about you, but whenever I do something new to someone I’m not that familiar with, I have this internal “Gee, I sure hope you like this. Okay, I did it. Crap, I can’t tell if you liked it.”

For instance, here’s a list of things one might want to do to that special someone on a first, second or third time encounter:

• Ass grabbing
• Neck biting
• Neck licking
• Nipple Sucking
• Use condoms or barriers
• Penetration
• Hard Thrusting
• Clit or Cockhead sucking
• Cuddling
• Moaning
• Dirty Talking

So, I’m going on a little date tonight. Good things may happen. I’m gonna try and bust out a similar list and check-in with them real quick and get a Yes or No from the for each one as to what they’re open to. I know they’ll giggle, but that’s okay. I’ll see how it goes.

I know. Super nerdy. But I wanna just pounce with full consent, ya know?

***UPDATE ALERT***

It went SO WELL! I came over and we were chowing down on some pasta and I yelled out, “oh yeah!” and pulled out my list. I said,

“Okay, so, sometimes, I want to do things, aggressive, fun, grabby things, but I don’t because I don’t want to do something you’re not in the mood for. So is it cool if I go down a list of stuff I’m open to doing and you say yes or no to what you’re open to tonight?”

They laughed and said sure. They also got very curious and silly as they sneak a look at what I had jotted down. As I read the list, instead of just a “Yes” or “No” I got full descriptive sentences. For instance, I said “Dirty Talking” and they said,

“Hmm, yeah, that’s good. I just get stressed because I feel like I have to do it back and I’m not good at that.”

And what is this now? A full conversation about comfort levels and needs during sex! It was great! After I finished with my list, they said,

“That was fun. I liked that. I’d like to do that again, but with a longer list.” Thus, in the future, the invitation is open to have a longer, even MORE fun talk about sex. Sweet.

The trick is bringing it up in a fun, excited way, instead of making it a heavy conversation. And it should be a quick convo. No longer than 10 minutes.

So, I had a much more relaxed, sexy time because I knew where their head was at. If you try it out, let me know how it goes!

Visual aid to Pearl Necklace tip. And this is the moment Jamye sqeals adorably.

Dave enjoys Jamye's pearl necklace

Visual aid to the G-spot/Pereneal sponge double whammy!

Okay, it’s turkey day tomorrow, I”m at work and I’ve got a hardcore game of Pathfinder tonight. At some point I will hyperlink these, but for now, I wanted to at least give you a list of what we mentioned for your googling, ogling pleasure. In pretty much chronological order:

• “For Yourself: The Fullfillment of Female Sexuality” by Lonnie Barbach
• Luna Pads
• Diva Cup
• Je Joue Mimi
• Fun Factory Booty
• Njoy Plug in small
• Tantus toys
• Pjur Lube
• Njoy Pure Wand
• Simply Blown Glass
• Je Joue Ami
• Kegelcisor
• Trojan Supras

Happy Turkey, Tofurkey and Turducken Day!

Ian is probably telling us what Alicia refuses to do for him. This is 15 seconds before we all laugh really hard. (photo by Jonathan Reilly)

Oh man, this week’s show is a sassy one. Married couple Ian Denchasy & Alicia Lum-Denchasy cracked me up. I mean, yes they gave wonderfully heartfelt insight into keeping the spark alive, but oh lordy that “Me So Horny” story made me so giggly.

So, here we are on my website on a hump day. That means it’s time for Pics & Links! All pics courtesy of the glorious Jonathan Reilly. And please enjoy my guests’ online couple’s resource & online store!

Ah. What a satisfyingly fun live show at NerdMelt! (Photo by Jonathan Reilly)

Good Reads Mentioned on the Show:

“Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel

Finding Inspiration in Erotica

“The Fine Art of Erotic Talk” by Bonnie Gabriel

Exercise Your Vag with Smart Balls (I’ve been doing what Alicia said about not squeezing my glutes as much when I do my kegel exercises and I have to say, it’s begun to feel way more awesome)

And now for a picture break courtesy of Jonathan Reilly…

I hope this is right before Dave says the words "Rug burn on my dick." Such a magical moment. (Photo by Jonathan Reilly)

Okay, back to links of neato stuff:

I.O.U. Activities (I’ve seen the fetish version. Super cute)

An Aphrodisiac of a Kitchen Timer to take turns following the leader (Man do I wish there were a Doctor Who kitchen timer shaped like a TARDIS. *drool*)

BONUS LINK: The Let’s Play Doctor game mentioned in the “Stress Relief” episode. GREAT game for the roleplay-curious.

I’m givin’ out links like they’re free or something’! Sheesh! I think we all deserve a photo for making it this far. You’re a winner! We all win!

Hard to imagine such an adorable couple has done so many naughty things! (Photo by Jonathan Reilly)

Okay, friends, remember: If you’re going to talk to your partner about something they don’t care about, at least do it naked!

Muah!

~Sex Nerd Sandra