Your Questions Answered: What do I get for our first sex toy?

A reader emailed me recently, and he kindly allowed me to post his question and my response. It’s my first time exposing what feels like a very personal back and forth, but I feel like peeps might relate.

Behold, a secret email made public! [edited for anonymity & brevity]:

Hi Sandra!

I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now, first on The Nerdist and now your personal blog as well, and have enjoyed your frank and honest product reviews, as well as your sense of humor. I’m hoping you can give my wife and me some guidance as we are looking to purchasing our first vibrator and/or vibrating ring.

A little background on us first. We’re in our mid-thirties. We’ve been together over 10 years and we have two young kids, so finding time for ourselves can be challenging. I have always had a high sex drive and I would say my wife has a slightly below-average sex drive (she concurs with that description). Still, our sex is always filled with passion and a deep connection between us. Although I wouldn’t call her inhibited, in the past she hasn’t been that adventurous either.

In the past few months however she has started to open up and has been wanting more variety. We’ve been trying new positions and techniques, which we both have immensely enjoyed! (A quick side note: I tried to do the Shaolin Mound Meld with no success. I don’t think I was quite doing it right, and would like to try it again since you seemed to give it such high marks. Any pointers?)  When I first asked her about a vibrator she said she had been thinking about that lately as well. We’re just not really sure where to start.

After reading your blog we think a nice silicone vibrator would be the right fit for us. I’ve been doing a little research online and have been looking at a few of the Lelo vibes. Have you had any experience with these? They are a bit expensive but seem like they are worth the cost. I’d rather spend a bit more and get a quality product than purchase the first $20 vibe we come across just because we don’t know what we’re doing. Are there other quality silicone brands you would recommend? I don’t think we’re ready for anything too wild just yet, and would prefer to stay away from the rabbit-style vibes or anything with too many ribs/appendages, etc.

As far as the vibrating rings go, we’re not really sure what to look for there either. How do the rings work? Do they essentially turn the penis into a vibrator? Several of the ones we’ve looked at have nubs on top and bottom, and we’re not sure what that is about either. Do you have any recommendations for these?

Any help you can give us would be much appreciated!

~Mr. Blankerson



Hi Mr. Blankerson,

Thanks for writing!

1st: Shaolin Mound Meld: It’s an opening move, so it doesn’t necessarily need to get her ready for hardcore boning. At the least, it begins to get blood flow to the vulva, and therefore aiding her brain in the arousal process.

So, I dunno if you’re doing it right. Just a nice firm medium pressure with the whole hand, like you might press down on your thigh if it were a little sore after a jog. No movement. She can also do this to herself and note if the area starts to feel warmer and “alive.” Kinda like how tapping on your cheek makes it tingle a little bit.

2nd: If she’s never had a vibe before, Lelo can be great! The Gigi is a good starter model (much loved my many) because it has a broad head & a little hooked curve that’s great for stimulating the g-spot (if one were so inclined).

If you would like something to use between your bodies hands free, a vibrating ring is great. Another option is the Laya Spot by fun factory or the MiMi from Je Joue. They sit nicely between bodies for face to face. But with different positions, one might need to hold it there.

3rd: Vibrating Ring: It doesn’t turn the cock into a giant vibrator. For that to happen, the ring has to be of pure silicone, like the Tantus vibrating cockring. Few are available on the market that are that strong. I’d go with a $20 doohickey before rockin those more fitted, less flexible c-rings.

Most vibrating cockrings (I recommend one with replaceable batteries) are a wonderful way to have a hands free vibe that can line up with her vulva during sex. You can also turn it around so the vibe is under the shaft. It can hit your balls and such which can feel great to guys.

(aaaand, fyi, you can put it around your fingers as a fun addition to hand play)

***Note on vibrating cockrings: they’re stretchy and can go behind or in front of the balls. Behind the balls, I’ve heard, helps trap more blood in your friend for a fuller erection & possible helps you hold back from coming. All dudes are different. Don’t keep it on for more than 20 minutes, and for gods’ sakes take it off if your balls feel numb. That means you need a ring with more stretch.

Oh, and the nubs on c-rings without vibes can also be used as shaft rings. That is, worn on the shaft for extra sensation as you rock her world inside and out. (that’s why they’re so darn tight). If it’s a vibrating cockring, it’s most likely to stimulate her sensitive opening when you’re balls deep, and to make it look more exotic.

All this depends on how her pleasure nerve endings are wired/how orgasmic she is and what your usual practices are.

I hope this helps. Cheers to high sex drives and the people who love them.


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